Over the last 30 years I’ve worked held between 70 to 100 sessions per month. That’s between 25,000 to 36,000 sessions with couples who were struggling to improve their relationship so that they could reach the relationship of their dreams.
During those sessions I’ve heard many, many stories about how people got into the situations that they found themselves in. From that data bank of sad, and sometimes disastrous situations, I created a long list of What Not to Do If You Want A Good Relationship.
I’m sharing these with you because I know we learn a lot from the “What-not-to-do’s” in our lives, as well as from the “What-to-dos”.
Here are 10 things NOT to do:
Believe that your angry thoughts are “the truth”, and act accordingly.
For example, if you think (when you’re angry) that your partner is a “stupid idiot”, then you say that to them at the time (instead of realizing that you’re just angry and this idea will go away when you’re no longer feeling angry)
If something goes wrong, blame your partner.
If you oversleep and miss an important early meeting you blame your partner for not waking you up.
When you disagree, tell your partner what’s “always” wrong with him or her.
You always want to spend too much money. Or, You always talk to your friends on the phone and don’t talk to me.
If you’re angry, give your partner the “silent treatment”.
Talk to yourself about what is wrong with your partner, but don’t tell the
Decide that your way of doing things is the correct way and spend your time
criticizing your partner’s methods of cleaning, their parenting, their cooking, their clothing choices, and so on.
Be sure NOT to have conversations about your relationship, but instead, marinate in resentment against your partner.
When asked, “What’s wrong?” you say “Nothing” but you’re really upset about something that you’re reluctant to talk about.
Spend little or no time together—just the 2 of you having relaxation or fun together.
Justify this to yourself by thinking that you have no time to connect because of the kids, laundry, work, or whatever, when really you are avoiding alone time, for some reason that you are scared to talk about.
Wake up each morning and think about how bad your partner is in so many areas.
And when you do this, you notice many flaws to concentrate on, real or imagined. And you can’t notice the good things that your partner does when you’re in the mindset that your partner is lacking many qualities.
Blame your bad behavior on your partner.
I wouldn’t have yelled and cursed if you weren’t so frustrating!
Refuse to seek outside help when your relationship is in crisis.
If a parent, friend or your partner suggests getting help from a relationship coach, you refuse, because of fear.
Or, you think you two should be able to figure it out without the help of a coach, but you haven’t yet been successful.
Or, you think no one can help you.
Or, that the outside person is maybe incompetent.
And so on
Let’s learn from this list
I have just scraped the surface of the kinds of self-justification people have for their behavior in their relationship.
I don’t assume that the partners that say these things are bad people. Instead, I believe that they are acting and thinking the way they have been taught, from parents, friends or other influences in their lives.
The people who hold the beliefs that I listed above are not yet able to take personal responsibility for their part of the relationship being in trouble.
Instead, they blame their partner. They think, “Someone is to blame, but it’s not me!”. Likely, because it feels threatening to think that they might share part of the responsibility.
It’s seldom actually true that only one partner is to blame. In loving relationships, both people are almost always part of the problem.
This is actually the good news, if you think about it a little differently.
If you acknowledge to yourself that you could have handled a situation differently, the awareness gives you the power to make a change and, in making that change, improving the relationship.
It’s actually a powerless stance to lay all of the blame the other person, because then you have to hope the other person changes their ways, and you’ll just sit there and watch.
There are things YOU can do to make changes, in your behavior and/or your thinking. And both you and your relationship will benefit greatly when you know what to do.
What are some of the things that might need changing in your relationship?
Mindset. This is your beliefs and attitudes. Your mindsets determine what you notice, how you think about people, experiences and everything else.
Thinking about what you’re thinking is the first step in exploring your mindsets.
Intentions When you decide on a goal and what actions you will take to achieve that goal, you have Set an Intention. Your intentions determine how your day will go. So, they are very important if you want to be in charge of yourself and your day and not just “see what happens”.
Communication When you learn and practice great communications skills and strategies that you can use when you have important conversations, you change the trajectory of your relationship. Communication is truly so foundational to a great relationship that you could say, “Without great communication, our relationship is at huge risk”.
Connection Couples who feel connected have been Intentional about putting their relationship as a top priority in their lives. It does take time and its takes work, but the results are immense. And well worth the time and work.
I want to help you, if you find that you’re struggling in your relationship and if you want help!
I’m thrilled to announce that I’m opening my private relationship coaching practice, online.
I’m calling it: The Pathway to Your Exceptional Relationship.
I work with committed couples who want to enhance their communication, connection, love, and enjoyment.
Your relationship might be stale, flat-lined, and/or communication-challenged. I will take you on a proven path to get you to the exceptional relationship of your dreams.
Here is what’s included:
3 months of private coaching with just you and Dr. Carol Henry so that you can get a private coach, devoted exclusively to you and your relationship with research-based solutions tailored to your situation.
The Pathway to Your Exceptional Relationship
Free lifetime access to my brand new, awesome online course,
The Couples Communication Project, How to Talk to Your Partner About Anything and Everything
This is a 6-week course designed to teach you all the things you need to master successful couples communication.
Includes 1 ½ hours of group coaching for each of the weeks of the course—total 9 hours of group coaching , so that you get Q’s answered and receive further training.
Private Facebook Group community of other like-minded couples who want to enhance and improve their relationship. I will be Live in the Facebook Group each week of the course, giving trainings and answering Qs that you or your fellow students submit. And, you’ll have the opportunity to connect with and learn from others as well as support each other on your pathway.
The Offer I’m making at this time is for you to get all of these benefits at a very reduced Founder’s price, 50% off !. Plus the new Communication School for Couples, valued at $1997 for FREE.
This offer is only available to only a limited amount of people (10 total), so that I can provide each couple with a personalized, unique, elite private experience.
As a Founder, you’ll also get first notice of other limited offers in the future, so that you can get first choice on them.
This special Founders Price for the Pathway to Your Exceptional Relationship Includes:
3 months of Private Coaching with Dr. Carol Henry
The Couples Communication Project 6-week online course with 9 hours of group coaching so that you can get your questions answered and learn from other people’s questions
Private Facebook Group with weekly trainings and Q & As with Dr. Carol J Henry
If you would like to talk with me about the possibility of joining The Pathway to Your Exceptional Relationship,
Click here to book your free “Relationship Breakthrough” Session. I have limited spots available for these limited time sessions. We’ll talk about where you are in your relationship and how I could help you create the relationship of your dreams.
I have a limited number of openings for Private Relationship Coaching clients. Would you like to consider this for you and your partner?
If so, you can contact me in these ways:
Message: Facebook message https://www.facebook.com/carol.henry.792197/
For access to more teachings and trainings and to be in a community of committed couples who support growth, please consider joining my free Facebook Group.
Committed Couples Growing Together.